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Vampire Jokes

We all need a little humor in our life, plus this page should give you some good ammunition, when you start to get a reputation as being a vampire, and some people make jokes with you about it (like friends tend to do about different things).

  1. Cat Alien Conspiracy
  2. Q. Why is it a bad thing to tell a Vampire to get a life?
    A. Because they might decide to take YOURS.

  3. How many Vampires does it take to change a light bulb? Zero none of them needs it.

  4. There were 2 guys sitting in a living room. One man says to the other, "I would rather live with a vampire than my wife!" and the other man says "Why?" "Because she's always trying to bite my head off!"

  5. What does a vampire dream of all the time? Something warm hot and juicy

  6. There once was a vampire named Mabel, whose period was notoriously stable. So one night in June she sat with a spoon and drank herself under the table.

  7. THE PROS & CONS OF DATING A VAMPIRE* Pro ----------- Long relationships. Allowed to stay out late. Easy weight loss. Centuries of experience. Immune to all diseases. Always has amazing stamina. Loves neck. Save on food bills. He won't get a beer belly or have garlic breath. You can screw all day without him knowing. You've got to weigh up the pros and cons.

  8. What does a vampiress do when she gets lost in the dessert?.....waits for her period.

  9. I’ve been a vampire for some seven-score years now, ever since that fateful night when I was drained of my humanity by a beautiful dark Goddess of the night. I left my mundane life behind and now I do great things like helping old ladies cross the street and then watching them shriek in horror as I empty their worthless veins and leave their lifeless husks in alleyways. Yes, being a vampire is all you’ve heard it is. Except for the part where nobody will hire me because I can only work at night and I can only kill people who are stupid enough to invite me into their homes. Do you know how hard it is to convince someone you’re a Jehovah’s Witness at two in the morning? Anyway, if you would like to become a vampire please send two dollars to this address:

  10. There were these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and vodka. The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and vodka. The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The third vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a mug of hot water." The bartender gives him a surprised look, "Why do you want a mug of hot water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "It's tea time."

  11. Lawyers vs. Vampires - What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.

  12. Have you ever been able to keep a straight face around someone who tried to say 'Foolish mortal!' with fangs in? It's much more like 'Thhoolith morthalthth!' About as mysterious and threatening as Sylvester the cat. Hmmmmm..... Looney Toons LARP, anyone?

  13. Q: How many goths does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, the lights wouldn't be on anyway.

  14. Q: What do you call a Vampire with fangs.
    A: A Poser...

  15. A vampire bat flies back into his cave after a big night...he has blood all over his face. Perches himself on the roof to try and get some rest. But before too long the other bats smell the blood, and start to gather around him. They ask feverishly where he got the blood from. Knowing that they will not let up till he tells them "OK, follow me!". He flies out of the cave, across a valley, over a river into a dark forest. Deep in the forest he stops, all the other bats gather round in an excited frenzy. "OK", says the bat, "see that big oak tree over there?". "Yeah, yeah" reply the other bats, drooling in anticipation. : "Well I *@#$en didn't!" said the bat.

  16. Q: Why was the young vampire a failure?
    A: Because he fainted at the sight of blood.

  17. You can read this to find out what some people think defines a vampire.


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